*Note this story is in Kapampangan
Buong bie ku panayan kung damdaman ko keka deng salitang aren. Balu ku kabolangan ing maging matula, ing kabud namu magnasang damdaman deng salita, pero nang akarapat ku? Talagang buong bie kung manayang damdaman la deta.
Aganaka ku detang milabas a aldo na magkulung ku keng kwartu, makasubsub mamasang libru bang akalingwan ke ing tampalasang yatu ayni, pero ngeni balu ku na na aku at aliwa ing yatu ing tune tampalasan.
Pagmasdan ke ing ilug ngeni. Ali makaying mangye patse makanining oras ning bengi. Ing bulan singlagu de reng mamagus na kyapu. Aganaka mu pa niyang minuna meng ikit ing ilug ayni? Kitnan mu ku nan la dening tanaman at kinwentu ke keka i Larina.
Kalwat na na nita. Mapali ya pa kanta ing api. Mapapaltos ta balat keng aping alang kasingpali. Sinilab na ing eganaganang itamu, kingwa no deng panaung milabas ampon deng paninap at ala yang tinagan, uling ala nang aliwa nung ali ining mamaping lugud.
Ali naku magpanggap. Buri daka sanang akit magkasakit. Anti ku mong i Larina na mandakap talubang kaybat sisipit ko keng bwak ku bang akit ku lang manasakit. Nanu ngan gewa ku bang akit ku ing sakit kareng mata mu, bang akit ku keng lupa mu ing sakit na akakit ku keng salamin aldo-aldo.
Oneng ing kwentu ku meyari ya ring kalupa ning kang Larina. Mesumpa kung kalupa na nitang babayi na mekulung keng lalam ning lauk, aldo-aldong manyukle keng bwak na bang milako la deng kyapu. Abalu da, ababalu da talaga deng kalupa na. Deng anggang kalaraman ku, deng penako ku.
Eku agyung maging maganaka keka kaybat ning gewa mu oneng eku rin agyung maging marok keka kaybat ning gewa ku. Ing kanung lugud makatakut ya ampong mayap ya, mabangis ya ampong maamu ya, at masakit ngan itang intindian. Oneng ngeni balu ku nang tutu ngan ita.
Eku balu nung apatawad mu ku, pero eme sisisyan ing sarili mu keng dapat kung gawan. Nung atin man dapat mate kekatamu, aku namung atin lasun keng pusu.
Ume na ku.
=———————–=
English Version
I waited all my life to hear those words from you. I knew it was crazy for me to be happy, to be so desperate to hear those words that I blocked out everything else, but what could I do? I really was waiting all my life to hear them.
I remember spending all those days locked away in my room, drugging myself with books so that I could forget the cruelty of the world, but now I know that the world wasn’t the cruel one, it was always me.
I’m staring at the river now. There isn’t much noise at this time of night. The moon’s as lovely as the water lilies making their way down the current. Remember when you first saw the river? You asked my what the plants were and I told you about Larina.
That was a lifetime ago. When the fire was still warm. It seared through our skin, hotter than anything we’ve ever felt. It burned through everything we were, taking our pasts and our dreams and left nothing, because there was nothing outside this burning passion that was there.
I won’t pretend. I wanted to see you suffer. I was like Larina, taking those butterflies and pinning them to her hair just to see them in agony. I did everything I could to see the hurt in your eyes, to see in your face what I saw in my mirror every day.
But I guess my story ends like Larina’s. I’m as cursed as the woman trapped underneath the bay, spending her days combing the water lilies out of her hair. They found out, their kind always does. How I lied about everything, what I stole.
I couldn’t be kind to you after what you did, but I couldn’t be cruel after what I had done. They said that love was terrifying and tender, wild and sweet and none of that made any sense. But now I know every word of that is true.
I don’t know if you will ever be able to forgive me, but don’t blame yourself for what I need to do. If one of us had to die, it might as well be the one with poison in her heart.
Goodbye
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* Kapampangan, Pampango, or the Pampangan language is a major Philippine language. It is primarily spoken in the province of Pampanga, southern Tarlac, and northeastern Bataan. Kapampangan is also spoken in some municipalities of Bulacan and Nueva Ecija, by various Aeta groups of Central Luzon, and in scattered communities within the SOCCSKSARGEN region in Mindanao. The language is known honorifically as Amánung Sísuan (“breastfed, or nurtured, language”)
Written by Karl Gaverza
Translation Copyright © Dyan Jill Tapang
Inspired by ‘Mangita and Larina’ in Philippine Folklore Stories. Miller. 1904
Illustration by Joncel Guevarra
