I waited all my life to hear those words from you. I knew it was crazy for me to be happy, to be so desperate to hear those words that I blocked out everything else, but what could I do? When you started speaking my whole world changed.
I remember spending all those days locked away in my room, drugging myself so that I could forget the cruelty of the world, but now I know that the world wasn’t the cruel one. It was always me.
I’m staring at the river now. There isn’t much noise at this time of night. The moon’s as lovely as the water lilies making their way down the current. Remember when you first saw the river? You asked my what the plants were and I told you about Larina.
That was a lifetime ago. When the fire was still warm. It seared through our skin, hotter than anything we’ve ever felt. It burned through everything we were, taking our pasts and our dreams and left nothing, because nothing could ever compete with this burning passion.
I won’t pretend. I wanted to see you suffer. I was like Larina, taking those butterflies and pinning them to her hair just to see them in agony. I did everything I could to see the hurt in your eyes, to see in your face what I saw in my mirror every day.
But I guess my story ends like Larina’s. I’m as cursed as the woman trapped underneath the bay, spending her days combing the water lilies out of her hair. They found out, their kind always does. How I lied about everything, what I stole.
I couldn’t be kind to you after what you did, but I couldn’t be cruel after what I had done, not anymore. They said that love was terrifying and beautiful and that didn’t make any sense. But now I know every word is true.
I don’t know if you will ever be able to forgive me, but don’t blame yourself for what I need to do. If one of us had to die, it might as well be the one with poison in her heart.
Goodbye.
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Written by Karl Gaverza
Copyright © Karl Gaverza
Inspired by ‘Mangita and Larina’ in Philippine Folklore Stories. Miller. 1904
Illustration by Abe Guevarra
